I thought you did try to have more of a story than some of your other work. What I didn't like was how this just seemed to go on too long. There wasn't even a single action scene! Don't get me wrong, emotional stuff it good too, but it just doesn't add up to much here. I did think the music was pretty good. I think the sprite work is alright, but it doesn't really go anywhere.
Maybe the finale with the action will make up for this. This was okay, not something I would recommend. There should have been more movement and better written text. I can see how you were influenced by SMBZ for this. Alvin-Earthworom was actually inspired by Kirbopher's TTA series.